“Self-doubt is a persuasive mistress; careful not to shag her or you’ll never get your balls back.”
Dannika Dark
We were all alone once again, a chill was in the air, soon nervous tension would dissipate this in an instant. It had been a long time – we were both almost a year older – Spring was in the air but could it ever be the same?
I found her in the dark, partly covered, neglected for a long time; I moved her into the half-light and slid her gently into position. She made no protest nor sound.
I offered a silent prayer or two then plied her throat with my golden liquid which she devoured gratefully, her insides having not been fed for some time, in desperate need of lubrication.
Tentatively, I pushed a button or two, seeking some reaction to give me the confidence to proceed though barely did she stir but for the odd gasp of air before she died again.
I tugged harder on her cords, urging her into life, increasing my efforts as she spluttered away, heaving away almost lifting her in the air.
Still she was unresponsive to my sweaty efforts as I mopped my brow and lowered her from my grip.
As a last resort I sensed she needed a spark, so I unwrapped the shiny cylindrical aid, carefully wiped it and slid it in without a murmur.
I pulled once more at her lead, tugging as hard as a man could and then she erupted into wild, wild life again.
At last I could sit astride her and go roll the wicket.
Concreting Bradford – More.
Our eternally dopey Council continues with it’s policy of offering any green field it can to greedy developers whilst wondering why an explosion of executive homes is failing to solve the housing needs of a low-income city with more nationalities than Europe.
As I’ve written many times, the housing policy being pursued is a mix of the disingenuous and the mis-directed allowed by the completely stupid.
Further confirmation if it were needed was contained in the recent T&A piece. Not surprisingly the dopes at City Hall don’t seem to get it that they are being led by the nose by the developers.
Rigsby Lives!
My new lodger arrived this week for five months of English “culture”. It’s a big welcome to Luke all the way from Adelaide to the market garden of Idle.
With perfect timing, the ice-age began and my old boiler finally gave up the ghost; at my age life is hard enough without a temperamental old boiler.
Mindful of things that have to change over the next few months I’ve been making a few lifestyle adjustments. Put on temporary hold are the following treasured pleasures:
– the morning fart on the move across the landing.
– the pleasures of the daily sit-down with the door open and a hearty song.
– any feminine looking bath oils, beauty products and strange sticks in perfumed bottles although the scented bath candles have survived as word from Australia is Luke likes a good mood-bath.
I’ve also decided to loosen up and go “wild” so am desperately trying to resist the desire to have all food can labels facing the right way in my cupboards, keep my books in alphabetical order and also try to sample other pubs than The Scruffy.
Of course, it was only right I introduce him to the local “attractions” – first and foremost The Scruffy – but not as last year when David, our South African, went walkabout on the eve of his first game.
Getting lost and turning a five minute walk home into a five hour route-march, he had about two hours sleep before his first game though still took a blinding catch that would have killed me and six wickets.
No pressure then Luke but a warm welcome from all at the Villas. Rumour has it we’re having a heatwave!
Sex Toy?
Sales of brightly coloured plastic tubes – known as the Hydromax – have apparently witnessed a recent surge in several repressed villages around a Northern city called Bradford.
This aid for the middle-aged man has been filling the sacks of local posties.
Global Marketing Director for Hydromax, Mr Key Pit-Hard, said he had never witnessed such a rise in all his years.
Morrisons have accredited their return to the FTSE 100 on the back of sales in their Northern heartlands of Radox, chill-out cds, scented candles (not more?) and Kleenex.
Yorkshire Water are worried that the surge in men taking to a late evening bath may lead to droughts this summer.
The Police have warned locals to be wary of sleep-deprived, middle-aged women driven to despair and homicidal acts by previously beer-sedated husbands.
Women’s groups have demonstrated wearing t-shirts proclaiming “Point That Somewhere Else!”
Finally, Kay Crewdson, BBC Look North weather girl pouted at the screen, full rouge lipstick and advised all men to look after their fluffy bits.
Leave a Reply