“Give no more to every guest, Than he is able to digest, Give him always of the prime, And but little at a time.”
Grandma Ada’s The Main Cookery Book (15th Edition) first printed 1929.
Noting my recent passion for baking, my Mum has engaged in a hopefully premature house clearance of sorts. She’s handed me down Grandma Ada’s baking tins and a centenary edition of the Be-Ro book.
As Grandma Ada always used to say after unwrapping the seasonal talcum powder: “That’s just what I’ve always wanted!”
In return, I have promised not to wander around the house naked and unshaven save for my apron, until I become officially senile.
So, I’m now in possession of an array of tins and racks that must predate even Ada. There may even be a few new kids on the block for this season’s cricket teas, the odd man flexing a spatula with a bit more joy than a bat.
The Fine Art Of Rendering A Woman Speechless
A friend of mine was seductively puckering her lips at me in the gym the other night. Worrying behaviour I thought.
“Can you see them?” she asked. Having had certain “enhancements”, it occurred to me that she must think I had gone blind.
“Not those you old perv…my lips! I’ve had them puffed up!” as she pouted once more like a deranged Daffy Duck. I searched for the right answer, desperate to maintain a level eye contact at least.
“First the tits, now the lips. At least by the looks of your arse there’s no need to get that blown up!”
Well she did ask.
Ladies Corner
The above character is a well-known local celebrity gardener and an entertaining regular of The Scruffy. As our first contender this year for Look Away Now I give you the Thackley Bush Trimmer.
Available for hen parties and senior citizens bingo afternoons plus apparently comes with his own Viagra.
One Hundred Years Ago
Apologies here as no update at the time of writing on the Shipley Times & Express + 100.
Idle Style
Deserved congratulations to our local chippy “crowned the healthiest chippy in the country at the National Fish & Chip Awards.”
Not only have we got one of the best pubs in the country we now have one of the best chippies. I can confirm that if Michelin gave stars to chippies, Towngate would be up there.
There are even healthy options available; a lite meal and a diet coke after a gallon at The Scruffy seems to strike a good balance.
Our village is on the up and there is not a Costa or MacDonalds in sight. We even have a deli having been used for years to a selection of offerings and other forms of a “Delhi”.
But you can always tell when a place is on the up – aside from single mums heaving prams desperate not to spill their mocha lattes over Brandon and Britney in the twin-cot – when estate agents begin to breed like locusts.
The village is awash with shiny suits, pointy toed shoes, gelled heads, fake Armani sunglasses and more Range Rovers than a Donald Trump convoy to Iraq. This is a gold rush as people flock from far and wide seeking the true spirituality of idleness.
We also have an excellent new library staffed by volunteers; use it or lose it springs to mind.
Come seek idleness.
A Failure Of Generations
It’s now over six years since I decided to exit the world of banking. Soon after, I had a chance encounter with Graham Morgan, founder of a social enterprise called Evolve Si.
Graham is passionate about kids and how we offer them the best possible start in life. Evolve works with schools on several levels.
I share many of Evolve’s values and have written ad infinitum about the failure of several generations of young people.
Crap diets, inactive lifestyles, dopey parenting and a host of other factors have combined to produce generations that are woefully ill-prepared for a brutally competitive modern society.
However, a recent article in the Daily Telegraph suggests there are even greater issues than obesity to tackle.
The author notes “over half of mental health problems starting by the age of 14…75% by age 18…equivalent of three children per class suffering from a diagnosable (sic) mental health condition.”
Staggering too, for one who works with kids is the following: “14 – average age of onset for depression…compared to 45 in the 1960s.”
The article misses the point though by simply suggesting a greater awareness of mental health issues and bunging a nurse in every school, not explaining where we will find 35,000 nurses nor fund them.
Surely we should be seriously tackling the causes here rather than sticking a plaster over a gaping wound?
Nobody will tell you that life was perfect several generations ago but we were clearly in a better and more rounded mind-set. I am not naive enough to suggest that a return to the “good old days” is a cure-all but it would certainly be a positive.
We’ve abandoned kids to aimless existences fed by an array of technology as they sit listlessly eating piles of crap. As always, you reap what you sow. A final word to Mr Morgan then.
“The Govt seem hell bent to destroy education and health through budget cuts, ridiculous target setting and lack of listening to the career professionals working in those systems.
We can take comfort that Eton and Harrow old boys know more about State Education and the NHS than those of us who actually use and need these services.
The teachers and their support staff, the doctors and nurses and their support staff are expected to perform miracles – with less finance and increased demands.”
Food for thought.
Two Worlds
This week the local rag proclaimed exciting news of new money – conditional and not now – for the desolate top end of our city centre. Those nice people at the Lottery just might – only might – give us a whopping £2m.
Contrast this with plans, albeit controversial, to build a new garden bridge across the Thames at a cost quoted at in excess of £185m (Private Eye – 1436).
The Garden Bridge is a new 366m-long footbridge that will stretch across the River Thames…The bridge will hold an expansive garden. Footpaths will weave through the garden…
Tell me this is the same country?
Time for the chippy!
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