“Can a leopard change its spots? Yeah if they skin it and dye it!”
Scrappers (BBC 2)
This Farming Life (BBC 2) is one of the best things I have watched for ages. Following five farming families over a year across diverse parts of Scotland, it’s been fascinating viewing with not a D-list celebrity in sight.
Reflecting a way of life so often undervalued, the programme makers skilfully showed the many ups and downs of life in sometimes brutal weather.
Agriculture supports many diverse occupations but perhaps there are few more challenging than the lot of the Sperm Collector? I bet they don’t have careers advisors for this.
To protect his investment in Paddy a muscular Irish bull – presumably in case Paddy hit the Guinness and knackered his reproductive capacity – farmer Martin employed the local sperm collector. We were invited in to snoop on Paddy in action.
To get Paddy in the mood, a flirty young cow was chosen and wedged in between two bales of hay, sprayed with Estee Lauder and made to wiggle her behind seductively. Paddy’s eyes were bulging as was somewhere else.
Music courtesy of Marvin Gaye’s Greatest Hits was in the air and Paddy was ready. Taking a run at his prey as she wiggled her hips to “Let’s Get It On” the big bull launched his member towards the inviting target.
In a flash the Sperm Collector skilfully caught Paddy’s throbbing member and diverted it to a tube as Paddy thrashed away oblivious. Surely not a Hydromax for bulls?
Job done Paddy went off for a snooze – no cuddling here – but was back in action another three times in the afternoon. As early evening approached he strutted off into the fading sun, manhood firmly in place, non the wiser.
Back in the stalls one very frustrated cow shook her head safe in the knowledge that it truly is a man’s world!
Tales From The Scruffy – More Lessons In Childcare.
Super Godfather was “on call” again last week as the poor mite’s mum succumbed – once more – to happy hour at the Copa Cobana club. Naturally, I asked what entertainment I was expected to provide, always assuming I could un-plug him from whatever device he had.
“Pick ‘im up from school and just do what you normally do” she said rather aggressively. So I did and off we went to The Scruffy.
Contrary to popular belief, I do take my duties very seriously and like to believe that I offer the young man a “view” on life. Only before Christmas I had taken him down t’pit and now it was time to sample the modern values of diversity, equality and social inclusion.
I stressed that pubs were merely meeting places and that getting drunk was definitely not “cool”. He nodded solemnly having seen the effect of his Dad’s hospitality on many a guest unable to resist the lure of a “boozy banana”.
As we sat down ‘Nob ‘Ed Korna was full to the brim already, the clock barely having passed five.
The eccentric Doctor David was in with his dogs and happily accepted my offer of a beer and a delayed return to nutty Jill back home, sensibly waiting for her meds to kick in so he could lump her onto the stair-lift, press “fire” and enjoy a peaceful night’s television.
Homeless had just shambled in and we reflected that, wealthy as our nation was, some people would always look down and out. In came Arthur Daley with pockets bulging from the sale of a few more dodgy motors, his grin as wide as an ocean.
Harry observed the inhabitants wide-eyed and vowed to get good grades at school. “All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others” he said quoting George Orwell “now can I have another coke you tight arse?”
Diversity, we are told, is so important in a modern society so I duly pointed out the range of beers on offer. Equality should also be respected and so pubs welcome anyone; on cue in walked Big Al as Homeless shambled out for more weed.
“Uncle Willy, what was that rubbish music on in the car?” he asked.
“Harry, that was Barry White” I replied “and one day you too will be grateful as I shall buy you his Greatest Hits for your coming of age.”
“Were you really trying to dance when you were driving?” he asked, shaking his head.
“It’s what chick music does young man.”
Big Al had purchased his dinner – a family bag of Quavers – but was unprepared for the attack of an 11 year-old locust. He looked at Harry as if he would have to eat him instead. For the purposes of child protection it was time to go home.
Nowhere on Earth can a child enjoy self-development of this kind but for how much longer? The Government insists we must only drink seven pints a week; break that down and it’s half an hour a day to socialize at best.
Of course, we could drink coffee but that’s bad for you; soft drinks will render you fat and toothless; water makes you piss all night resulting in sleep deprivation and homicidal tendencies. Weak beer served in pubs is good for mind, body and soul.
Sadly pub closures, whilst falling slightly, still average close to thirty a week a legacy of the vulture-capital funded Pubcos.
In London, pubs are being bought up at an alarming rate as property speculators rush to build largely for foreign investors happy to wash their dirty money. Homes that nobody will occupy fly up as pubs once the soul of local communities make way.
Despite this, real ale is booming and an interesting piece on the BBC website suggests that “the typical real ale drinker is male, aged at least 55 and from the north.”
After years of pressure, the Government finally caved in and agreed to appoint an independent regulator to control the exploitation of pub tenants by the greedy Pubcos which has been going on for a very long time resulting in many a closure.
So would it surprise you (Private Eye 1414) to learn that the appointee is a director of a business whose main clients are…the Pubcos!
Enjoy, respect and value your local.
April Fools?
Firstly, I make no apologies for banging on again about the ridiculous plans to sink millions into a derelict old cricket ground just to play to the politically correct and win a few votes to keep the shower running our city cosy at the Comedy Club.
As many of us freeze our balls off at our clubs, wooing old equipment to fire up again, praying no holes have appeared in buildings battered over the winter and wondering how many of that dying breed – the volunteer – have survived, heads shake in unison at this brainless project.
In pursuing this and other related matters – see Open Letter – a reply was obtained from Jennie Price, CEO, Sport England by our club’s MP.
In it she says that Sport England is “investing £262,000 in the ECB to deliver its South Asian Communities programme…in several cities…including Bradford.”
This begs the obvious question: who is actually funding the much hyped £5-5.5m cost of creating this white elephant? I sought some answers from our Council as surely they would know? Here is their reply.
Dear Mr Wilson
FOI reference: FEB-151
I refer to your request dated 29/02/16 asking Bradford Council to supply the following information.
“The reported cost of redeveloping Bradford Park Avenue cricket ground has been put at £5-5.5m. I assume the Council has a breakdown of the projected costs and where the funding will come from so would appreciate this information. In addition, what are the anticipated future running costs and who will be responsible for these?”
The Council’s response is as follows:
The proposal for the redevelopment of Park Avenue Cricket ground has been split down thus:
Phase One:
Upgrade to the pitch, score board and groundsmens equipment £140,000
Phase Two:
New Community Pavilion, Terracing works and Car parking.
Disabled access to the pitch and ground.
Boundary walls etc. £ 2,555,000
Phase Three:
East Stand Terracing and new seating
Turnstiles
CCTV
Infrastructure works £ 940,000
Phase Four:
Floodlighting £ 1,350,000
Total cost excluding fees and VAT £4,985,000
The works are proposed at this stage and no monies have been allocated to the project. The redevelopment is being led by the ECB and YCCC who are actively looking for partners and funding to deliver the development.
The anticipated running cost for the completed project are:
Running Costs: £ 321,650
Estimated Revenue: £ 420,000
No surprise then that, despite all the photo-calls and great words, they have not actually got any funding in place. Equally, I would love to meet the originators of the claims relating to estimated revenue streams and smoke whatever they get high on.
It gets better though as, assuming any money does flow, after filling a shed full of new ground equipment and presumably letting everybody know just where it is with another photo-call, CCTV comes as part of Stage Three!
It is utter pie in the sky and a complete waste of money, assuming they can actually come up with any.
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