Once again it was time for the annual humiliation as those that should know better stepped onto the cricket field to begin the 2015 Grey Fox campaign.
The team had been assembled meticulously by Captain Chaos Brennan with assurances to new signing Big Al that any form of movement faster than the heavy roller would not be required. One or two had suggested we could use Big Al as the roller.
Chaos won the toss and elected to bowl not based on any cricketing decision but simply to get it over with. A stirring team talk followed.
“Look…I know we are all a year older, even more knackered and closer to death but…let’s have some fun!”
With motivational powers like that it’s hard not to believe he has a cult following.
I was asked to open the bowling with veteran of veterans, Lynton. It had been years since I had held a brand new ball at the start of my run-up and, as the first ball – a horrible full toss – was smacked to the boundary I could understand why.
Nerves settled and we both got into our grooves halting the fast start made by the Dales Dragons as Chaos searched the field for alternative bowling; if we were his first choice it looked like a long afternoon.
We’d recalled Shirley Pickles from the Class of ’81 and he was soon rolling back the years rolling on the grass with a series of goalkeeping stops. Note to self; never again lend spare whites to a man who spends all afternoon on his arse.
With a bemused look on his face all afternoon amounting to “what am I doing here?” it was good to have someone in the team we could get to chase the ball.
Big Al had turned up like a junior, fully kitted out, dropped off at the top of the driveway by Luckless Linda who refused to come watch her man for fear of it being her last sighting.
Soon we were to witness a new approach to fielding as, unable to actually bend down to pick up the ball, Big Al proceeded to kick it in.
The critics were not impressed by this “entertainment” being served up as they sat huddled with trademark grimaces against the arctic air.
Meanwhile, back on the field and Chaos has managed to negotiate a bowl for Big Al – “I’ll buy you a pint!” – so up he trundled and the first ball dribbled out of his hand, bounced three times and rolled onto the batter’s toe.
“Owzat?” screamed Big Al at Shakoor Patchett, making his Grey Fox debut too as umpire, match referee and tv replay judge.
Slowly the finger went up as the batter looked in dismay; leg before to a cripple, so bad as to be career ending. Big Al slipped the fiver into Shakoor’s jacket pocket and wandered off back to the long grass a contented man.
A total of 147 had been set which, whilst below par, looked one we would have to respect with a tail that appeared to start about number five.
Opening the batting with my old mucker Duck, already having had two visits to the can to calm his nerves, it was like the good old days again as we promised to try really hard not to run each other out.
Down considerably from years of being abandoned by my mate halfway down the track, I resolved to do my best to leave him stranded like a beached whale if I could. As the Dragon’s fielders made Big Al look mobile, the chances were remote.
Soon RSL joined Duck and, if test match batting has entered a new era, it was good to see these two could still block the snot out of it.
Our scoring rate dipped so Chaos got a message out to Shakoor – a rolled fiver – and RSL was despatched via another dubious LBW.
The scoring picked up again thanks to Binny and his golf shots, smearing the ball even wider than he does on the fairways with a range of heaves, cheeks ruddy with effort, determined to trade in boundaries to the long grass than chance any running.
Our target was now within easy reach after a cameo by Chaos, new bat sounding like those we used to get in a set with stumps and bails. As he retired undefeated, out to the wicket strode the big man to join team all-rounder Tubbs Taylor.
Tubbs had been holding up an end waiting for the big man to smear with winning runs with a nonchalant, one-handed flick off his arse, timed with precision.
After a long weekend, tinged with a fair bit of solemnity, this was just the kind of day many needed, on and off the pitch.
And so to our next challenge and a local derby at Hepworth Idle on June 14th with tickets selling like hot-cakes.
This is the big one with local bragging rights on offer for a lifetime. Who knows who will still be alive come any re-match!
Don’t miss it!
Lou Lou Galquin says
I have it on good authority that debutant John Molyneux took 4 wickets, but they don’t appear to be mentioned here at all. Could you please rectify this? Thanks, Lou Lou
Steve says
Bowling out OAPs does not merit a mention whereas sledging spotty teenagers once you have bowled them, especially with the crap I offer up, is noteworthy!
John Molyneux says
Can’t believe you left my 4 wickets out Steve #sadface did I ever tell you about the time I nearly got a hat-trick against Sharing Voices?
Steve says
Get back to your Wisden!