Musings From The Padded Cell

Just Another Week.

“To claim special communal rights (or should one say rites?) leads to a dangerous fragmentation within society. This communalism is a canker; whether practised by one colour or another it is to be strongly condemned.”
Enoch Powell

Tales From The Scruffy

After a night under the bright lights of Leeds, only the restorative powers of The Scruffy could raise me from my Friday afternoon recuperative siesta.

I trod gingerly up the hill to confess my sin of boosting the neighbouring Nirvana and for a fleeting moment I felt ashamed. A few beers would sort that.

The place was bursting as ever, evening worship for the end of another working week, rewarded by Michael’s exquisite ales served at the altar.

Big Al was sat on a stool, as reassuring a sight as the tides going in and out, the old stool rippling like the waves. The diminutive Gaddy the Gardener was perched on another after a long day trimming bushes for the old ladies in the village.

Patch rolled in with the tanned Lady Patchett, his ever-expanding girth scorching rumours of diet camp as my senses slowly recovered with each slurp of cool, creamy Black Sheep downed with gratitude by this black sheep.

“Bloody ‘ell you look rough” said Our Jackie in her best seductive tones, forearms bulging as she heaved away at the creaking pumps, wiping spilt beer on her top lip smudging the salty dust from another bag of cheesy Quavers.

Gentleman John was also in for his regular two pints – paid on, no queuing just a nod and a wink – cutting a dapper figure as ever.

The Scruffy goes continental.

We had a new addition to the “menu” to tempt us with the Czech lager – Pravha – which Big Al was road testing with his usual dedication. If Michelin ever did beer guides here was their man.

Talk switched to current affairs as Gaddy slipped off into the night to pick leylandii from his comb over. Was there any groping going on undetected at The Scruffy? Not now Gaddy’s gone I thought.

“Nobody’s groped me!” wailed Our Jackie ” I can’t even cop a feel from that bunch ‘o drunks!” she cried pointing in the direction of the iconic Nob Ed Korna where the locals slumbered, the clock barely past 6pm.

The guilty parties sat with heads fixed on beers as she wiggled her seductive best collecting stray glasses, thrusting her ample bottom in all directions, still insistent The Scruffy could do with a pole dancer and she would be that gal.

Our Jackie offering local remedies

Talk switched to old night clubs of Bradford and the bizarre 0898 club, where punters sat at tables with a phone, waiting to be called by some desperado presumably too drunk to walk across and chance their arm.

Names that had been consigned to history were thrown up: Scamps, Blue Lace, Cavernes, Backstage, Katz, Jokers. It seemed we’d been in them all.

Eyes moistened by the memories, Our Jackie wandered off with Friday dinner – three bags of Quavers – out into the darkness. And after two hours at the altar a miracle: my hangover was gone.

Over the weekend I conducted research into levels of sexual harassment at The Scruffy amongst the staff.

The bronzed Smouldering Sue simply offered a “Try it” retort, fixed me with her best UV smile and wandered off. So I approached Young Bet at Sunday service, dressed in her best red woolly LGBT tights and shiny black Doc Martens.

Giant Geordie gets with Bradford fashion week.

She simply pointed at Giant Geordie, dressed in his Sunday finest and said: “Really?”

So I have to conclude that The Scruffy remains a desert for local cockroaches from the legal profession in search of lurid claims and counter-claims.

Next week: how many tax evaders drink at The Scruffy?

Statement From The Dept of The Bleeding Obvious

T&A 9/11/17

AN independent school has been criticised by inspectors, who said it does not “prepare pupils fully for life in British society”. Olive Secondary School, an Islamic faith school in Barkerend, was judged ‘inadequate’ in a new report by school inspection body Ofsted.see here.

Encouraged as we all are to integrate how encouraging to note the report states: “Pupils are not prepared fully for life in British society. They do not have regular opportunities to apply and test out their knowledge and understanding of respect and tolerance of different genders.”

The majority of you reading here will need no further comment. For those a bit slow of learning – councillors, the PC brigade and other useless do-gooders – wake up.

These schools do as much for social integration as boys only schools do for female emancipation. And as for our hard-won free-speech, the T&A Comments section was predictably closed on this article.

Following On

Well over a month ago I wrote about the plans to build gates on a section of the unadopted bit where All Alone Road Stadium is situated – see How Much?

I enquired how a capital project of £750 – half paid for by a resident – was costed out by the Council at £9,000. As promised I wrote to our local MP who sent me the following reply last week.

“…I have been informed by the Personal Assistant to the Strategic Director of the Department of Place…that your case regarding various issues is still currently receiving attention.”

How hard can this be? This is a set of gates not the Taj Mahal! Perhaps they don’t do maths at the Department of Place?

And only this week, news that the decision has yet to be made. Thank God this lot are not in charge of anything important then.

Still, given recent plans announced by the Lunatic Party to switch off street lights in Bradford – see here – maybe I can offer some maths?

Amount claimed to be saved by turning off the lights – £55,000 per annum.
Average annual cost to public purse of a Bradford Councillor – see here – £18,000.

So, culling three of the one hundred spongers, sorry elected public servants, would have the same effect and also reduce dimness, a condition often associated with City Hall.

Cllr Ross-Shaw – £37,728.76

How about it Susie?

Hapless – £49,085.03

Readers with a keener interest – see here and here – might also note that, despite Hapless’s constant whining about austerity and Government cuts, she’s done quite well recently with a near 25% pay rise.

All in it together?

The Perfect Poached Egg

This week’s recipe is from the globe-trotting Martin Molyneux.

Water just below boiling point..splash of vinegar..pop egg in warm water b4 (sic) cracking and adding to grandma and mum were great cooks..eggs they struggled with.

Molly’s legendary 70% proof Christmas cake.

I only hope his eggs turned out better than his grammar. Back to school young man!

One Hundred Years Ago

The carnage of WW1 continued – see here.

Joined Up Thinking?

MPs in Bradford last night called for more to be done to provide NHS dental care in the district. So ran a story with quotes from all our local MPs.

Only a day earlier.

Coca-Cola’s famous truck – you know, the one off the telly – will be bringing seasonal cheer to Bradford and Pudsey later this month. see here.

Seasonal cheer for who…dentists?

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