Bring on the Dales Men
Roll up, roll up! This Sunday sees the first match of the Villas 2013 Grey Fox campaign, a trophy for over 50s cricketers, which we have entered for the first time, surely a poignant sign of the times? The fixture is guaranteed to draw the crowds at the famous old All Alone Road Stadium. Queues will be snaking around the entrance to the ground, security staff pouring over picnic bags and tense spectators craning necks to secure the best vantage points; please no climbing Mrs Khan’s tree and don’t touch her bush. Critics’ Corner seats are selling for outlandish sums on eBay and it could be rowdier than Headingley’s infamous Western Terrace.
This weekend some old “greats” will be dusting off gear they thought they would never climb the loft steps to see again; at least not without the wife locking them up there until they gave up on the idea of recapturing a long lost youth, madly attempting to roll back the years. There could be trouble ahead…
The format is quite simple with two group matches then, if successful, a semi-final at Headingley, home of Yorkshire CC, with the final at Scarborough. A glorious road trip beckons – as they once said, allegedly, “Go East old men!”; so follow the Villas all the way to the sea, every tubi-gripped, deep heat assisted, ibuprofen loaded yard of the way. God help us if they introduce doping although a few wives have already labelled said husbands in the “dope” category!
The squad has been on a strict training regime for the least few months with wives banished to the spare room, beer intakes severely reduced with old bats silently, studiously sanded and oiled. Nets last night were like the old days with the reappearance of several old veterans pounding the mats and unlike our two senior teams, there has been no problem with player availability and piss poor excuses – tough selection choices have had to be made but these are tough men!
Octogenarian opening bowling pair, the twin alcoholics, Browny and Haighy, have failed to make the cut although rumours abound that Mike Adams, aged 73, still expects the new ball come Sunday afternoon. Granville “One Eye” Lawson is on stand-by as 12th man, walking stick at the ready, but confidently expects a double weekend on the whisky up in Critics’ Corner with new recruits to induct in the guise of the unsuspecting young Marsden and Lawrence Jnr.
The Team
We may have squad “options” but this is not to disguise the reality that one or two will be bravely carrying injuries, or to be truthful, severe disabilities. Should any of the bowlers induce a “nick” behind, then the opposition batters should be safe with skipper RSL donning the keeping gloves once again. RSL did do a stint as First X1 keeper many moons ago but the only gloves he has had on recently have been the gardening ones. Meanwhile, years of pouring over purchase ledgers have dimmed the eyes.
In a recent midweek match for our Academy team – which regularly fields several over-50s since the defection of several juniors fed crap by a crap club playing in a crap league (calm down – Ed) – the ball went skywards, into the gloom. A cry of “your’s Rick” went up as the team bean counter peered through rain splattered glasses up into the clouds desperate to get away from lone spectator – Haighy – recounting yet more tales of when he was a lad.
BetFred were offering ridiculously long odds on the catch being taken and most of the players, including the batters, had stopped to watch as the ball slowly reached its summit and turned back to Earth on a mission. At the last minute decisive action was called for to avoid instant death so RSL adopted the foetal position as if in an air raid shelter – Haighly remembered that bit – placing hands over his head, hoping for the best. With a thud, the ball plugged into the earth beside him, the batters could only run one for laughing and death from a red meteor was averted.
Alongside him on Sunday at first slip, narrowly fighting off 85 year old Granville’s challenge for a spot, is the stick wielding and similarly immobile, Captain Calamity, the inimitable JB. Having broken his ankle many months ago with a very big slip down his cellar – did he fall, was he pushed – the man now has more titanium rods in him that a commercial airliner. Admitting to his lack of mobility he has requested this key position, failing to admit to his complete inability to catch a cricket ball.
There will be some notable absentees on Sunday, although with more games ahead, escape is not total. Missing the cut, so to speak, will be Ginger Gibson, his knees having given in to one family sized deep-pan too many. The legendary Steve “Leapy” Lee has refused to tarnish his reputation and has ignored all pleas to replace RSL behind the sticks and treat us all to more wonderful sledges that destroyed many a sensitive opponent of yesteryear. Also missing is Chris Burns; actually he never played for Villas, but he did spill blood one night in the Evening League and so refuses to risk his already compromised looks on a wicket he describes as “a nest of vipers”. Its not as if he will ever hit the cover of “GQ”!
Of course, that champion blaggard, Molly, will be in residence as the official umpire adding to his long, long list of ways to get away from the missus for the afternoon albeit she will be close by in the tea tent. Lets hope that Molly, a new recruit to the Aire Wharfe umpires list this year, can offer a better standard of umpiring than one or two we have witnessed so far this season.
Last Saturday the sole umpire in “control” of our Second X1 match, having given eight LBW decisions, was offered a Villas cap in keeping with the tradition of awarding one to a bowler who gets eight victims in a game. One player’s suggestion that “I hope you have a crap weekend because you’ve ruined mine” had fellow team-mates collapsing in tears; hopefully the umpire was deaf as well as, allegedly Mr League Secretary, blind and useless.
Everything Comes to He Who Waits?
Growing up I wanted to bowl fast and run in like Dennis Lillee, hurling down balls and knocking batters’ heads off; but I could never get a chance because of an old guy named Mike. In truth, most of my bowling ended up hit out of the ground and knocking slates off the adjoining houses. Well, Mike was really good and I was crap!
I even grew my hair long and had it streaked like Ian Botham but, even though Mike had no hair, he still got the new ball. Well, now that the 23 year age gap has at last counted for something, I may get Mike’s “end” at last and you can bet he will be staring at me from the boundary edge with that knowing look – “it’s my end this lad, I’ll be back on soon”.
Anyway, beating Chiz by a matter of months, I qualify as team “pup” this weekend and am desperately hoping someone will ask me if I am old enough again. The last time it happened, we had just won the Under 18 cup and we had taken the trophy to the Lane Ends pub to celebrate. Even at sixteen I could barely see over the bar but perhaps handing over a cup emblazoned with “Under Eighteen Champions” may have given the game away. Jack the landlord gently pointed me to the door and told the tale almost every day of the two years I returned to work for him…when I was eighteen.
The Team
Here’s a quick review of the rest of the Grey Fox X1 lining up to entertain you all this weekend in strictly alphabetical order:
Peter Clarke – current 2nd X1 captain and key batter for the Villas Greys. Will be under the critical gaze of his First X1 sons, Andrew and Michael, and maybe even Michael’s fiancĂ© Sarah, assuming the whisky has not got her first up in Critics’ Corner.
Martin Gadd – a “ringer” loaned for the day from neighbours Thackley CC and, unbelievably for them, Gaddy is playing for free! Very quick in the field (at least when I last saw him play…’er 20 years ago) and current TCC 2nd X1. Rumoured to be bringing a few from TCC which should boost the bar take on the day if not the average IQ level.
Chris “Chiz” Hizzet – our Chair of Selectors, sponsored by Vodafone in recognition of the text and phone minutes spent getting two teams out each week. A man who times the ball with more precision than Delia Smith times a fairy cake and made for batting. Occasional 2nd X1 outings only these days but definitely not this weekend; two games back to back would necessitate an ice bath till Wednesday. Chiz is sure to be egged on from the sidelines by his devoted wife (plus bottle of Bulmers) the lovely, luscious Linda who has promised to dress up in her nurses’ outfit for the day just in case medical attention is required.
Bob Hodson – another “ringer” still playing 2nd X1 at nearby Horsforth Hall Park. Fierce and fiery competitor in his day with the ability to swing balls more ways than a Tory back bencher. Old playing pal of Brent Shackleton at Saltaire and a big welcome back to the Villas for Big Bad Bob.
Lynton Marsden – semi-retired from the game but knows Chiz still has his number although partner Gail seems to have it too…so to speak! Playing whilst awaiting a hernia operation and hoping for the fifth slip berth and an afternoon off decorating the new house. Strong performance at nets and hoping to be able to move given a few days rest.
Brent Shackleton – the return of the Messiah! Several months of personal denial and sacrifice ditching the salt & vinegar crisps in an effort to show everybody what we all miss from this Villas icon. The long fast bowler’s run pushing off from the boundary edge, pumping arms, wobbling arse, cheeks reddening every ball, the last remaining strands of that long gone hair clinging to the sweating forehead; we expected a wicket every ball. And the frantic slogging with the bat, balls disappearing to all parts plus the sheer white fear of anything big, black and nasty bowling at him with the arse often used as a makeshift pad. Finally, the wonderful, inimitable, mad-eyed team bollockings when he was skipper that made Sir Alex Ferguson look like a pussy.
Allan “Duck” Stockdale – only allowed on condition that he does not bite anybody’s arse in the dressing room although Gaddy is a permissible target as he plays for Thackley. At last in the same team as my old mate again and I cant wait but I so wish we had kept those Miami Vice jackets from Top Man for the after match clubbing…we are going clubbing after…aren’t we?
Andy “Tubbs” Taylor – the legendary sporting raconteur, fresh from the after dinner circuit, ensures that there will be more tales in the dressing room than up in Critics’s Corner no matter how much whisky the old boys down. A legend amongst story tellers and another one dusting off the Miami Vice jacket and considering another bubble perm and mullet for the weekend.
And so a friendly word of warning to the Dales veterans; we are ready as we ever will be, desperate to sample maybe one more time that feeling money cannot buy and only winners can savour. May the best team win and lets wish a great day all round.
Leave a Reply