“I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.”
Johnny Carson
Although we manufacture far less than we ever did in the UK, visiting clients who actually create and make things remains the most interesting bit of my modest working life.
One of my favourite clients is a small manufacturer of premium gents grooming products. Apparently, young men spend far more than my generation ever did preening themselves.
Back in my day it was a quick dab of your dad’s Brut 33 and a painful hour till the burning stopped and the flies swarmed away. Your chances of pulling with a face like a beetroot and smelling like your dad were remote to say the least.
The current vogue is in beard care and there are all manner of softeners and conditioners for the new homeless look. Apparently, the chemistry here also lends itself to many alternative uses.
In my box of free samples I found something called Orgasm Gel For Her which I have to say I found rather sexist and gender focused. I thought about writing to my MP or the ECB’s LGBT Dept but sense prevailed.
I decided to take the contents to the politically incorrect heaven called The Scruffy.
There was an array of moustache wax which I offered to the Fishermen; Our Geoffrey took one look, gave it a quick sniff and promptly declared it contraband more suitable for down the hill and up somebody’s nose.
Luckily, Young Bet behind the bar saw the value in the restorative powers of the shampoo on offer after decades of substance abuse namely peroxide. Giant Georgie looked disappointed not to find any head shiner.
Big Al had a dig in the box but on finding nothing to drink returned to his phone to watch the golf, full of conversation as always.
Patch quickly claimed the Love Lube as he had a swingers party coming up and had been struggling to get into his latex suit of late after two weeks in Miami.
I looked inside the box and it was barren; what would I tell Our Jackie once she found out that she’d missed out on the first – and most likely last – sex party at The Scruffy?
It was then I remembered I had a spare tube of Orgasm Gel – research purposes – and decided it safer to donate to Our Jackie. If you hear a howling down the village over the weekend now you know why.
Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
Many times in the past I have referred you back to a piece I wrote in 2012 as to the futility of the London Olympics in the face of ever increasing inactivity amongst young and old – see here.
So you can imagine my interest in this piece referring as it does to the shameless plundering of money that should have gone to grass roots to pay for the Olympic party that we never could afford.
Did you know the Government raided £425 million from the Big Lottery Fund to pay for the 2012 Olympics?
The Big Lottery Fund supports charitable projects that help communities and people in need across the UK. £425 million could have funded over 10,000 charities!
Having just run our second summer camp for kids at the Villas, supported by the Big Lottery Fund, once again I am astounded at the reaction of parents to having something so simple available to drag the kids away from their social media.
That the Government should still retain such an enormous sum of money and that most are oblivious to this – how would we know – is appalling.
So too is the stark reality that today’s kids should need an organised event to get them out into the open and not simply because that’s what we used to do. Much more important is the sheer joy they experience – rain or shine – allowed simply to play.
It is not rocket science so give us our money to let the kids play some more. Or as one parent put it:
“My son…has now come to the end of both his All Stars Monday night training and his second year at the summer skills camp.
I wanted to say a huge thank you to every single one of the Bolton Villas Team involved, you are all fabulous and thank you does not seem enough. Please keep up the great work, you are making a difference and helping children (and their parents) develop amazing life skills.”
Humbled we all are and yet…
On a more sombre note came news of vandalism to a children’s play area in the village rendering it unusable. Of course, vandalism is nothing new but you can tell much of today’s attitudes from snippets in the article.
Councillor Jeanette Sunderland believes the damage has been caused by young people…“We have always had a bit of a problem with people who just think they can throw litter down and just attack the play equipment.”
That may possibly be because these kids know they can act with impunity?
“What can you do? You can’t have a police officer stationed in the park all night. We might have to even consider putting a curfew on in the park.”
So who’s going to enforce this then…doh!
Cllr Sunderland requested that anyone who notices damage…should email Bradford Council’s parks service on [email protected]
That’s if they are not out and about chopping healthy trees down – sorry had to get that one in!
One Hundred Years Ago
More great tales from another age here including a story on the local sewage works, dirty dealings in the Bradford Cricket League – roll on 100 years – and more senseless carnage on the Western Front.
New Kid On The Block
Good luck to the new Idle Beerhouse – is there any hope for sobriety – down in the village.
As a committed reviewer duty calls.
Have a great weekend y’all.
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