Local residents woke up the other morning to find a one-mile stretch of road in Bradford vandalised by a mystery person armed with…a big pot of white paint. Police have already ruled out Banksy but the hunt is on for the perpetrator believed to work for a local and highly secretive sect known as Bradford Council…
Masses of wavy white lines have suddenly appeared on Idle Road between the Five Lane Ends and Swing Gate pubs but both landlords claim to have seen nobody that pissed to have made such a mess. Rumours – vehemently denied – abound that the council had commissioned the work as a local arts attraction, worried at the potential closure of the Film and Photography Museum in the city centre, since averted. Bradford would have its very own White Horse attraction and pilgrims would come from miles to follow the white brick road.
The Arts Council, famous for blowing millions on crap that nobody ever sees, deny all knowledge whereas Culture Secretary, Maria Miller, MP, was quoted as saying “where’s Bradford?” before joining in the back-slapping of Andy Murray at 10 Downing Street.
Local Road Safety Officer – pictured below – Cllr No Idea (Lib-Dem/Lab/Con/SNP/Anything to Keep in Power Rather Than Do A Proper Job Coalition Party), also denied all knowledge although did suggest that the wider than usual cycle lanes were a reflection on the City’s lack of an Olympic legacy feelgood factor coinciding with the world record for most takeaways pew square mile in the UK.
Users of the newly painted cycle lanes will be able to pop one pound in a box to be serenaded by Queen’s “Fat Bottomed Girls” as they attempt the one mile circuit as part of the Council’s drive to get people out of cars…so they don’t have to pay for roads anymore.
There was no suggestion that this was a reaction to the snub by the Tour de France Grand Depart, which manages to avoid most of the City next year, and a late attempt to attract the Tour for a one-mile speed trial; follow the wiggly white line…sort of apt for cyclists of years gone by? Scurrilous rumours that the Police were to offer cars to chase the cyclists acting as pacemakers – a local attraction – were also denied by Plod.
The matter will be discussed at the next meeting of the Parliamentary Public Accounts Select Committee with Chair, Margaret Hodge, MP, quoted as saying “we really must take note of how to really blow public money in these tough times”. Rumours that the stretch of road may be converted to a toll road are believed to be wider and wonkier than the white lines. Rather cruelly it was suggested by “an onlooker” that the painter may well have done a few white lines before the work commenced.
Once again, Bradford Council offered “no comment…ha ha ha!!!”
Christopher Smith says
I cycle down the canal to work every single day and thing that these white lines are a great invention. I would probably guess that Molly had something to do with it if you asked me.
Louis Gacquin says
We have these silly wavy white lines in Dewsbury too, they are bloody stupid