Ten years ago a book called ‘Crap Towns: The 50 Worst Places to Live in the UK’ was published by co-authors Dan Kieran and Sam Jordison; topping the bill was Hull. Fearing the worst I bought a copy to see where my home town – Bradford – featured.
Unbelievably, Bradford was nowhere to be seen. Had they driven past us in the rush to get to Hull fleeing enraged Scousers from Liverpool, also in the top ten?
Or was it another snub for my dirty old town, unable now even to top a list the local council had so obviously groomed it for?
The idea for the book started life on the website of The Idler magazine (nothing to do with me) when readers were asked to write short pieces on awful places they knew and despised.
Inevitably, here comes the updated version and, at last, Bradford has a top ten rating second only to London. Of course, a book like this is mischevious at worst and if we cannot poke fun at each other, then what have we left?
However, there is no denying that Bradford is pretty crap.
As our core attractions we have a two craters in the city centre; rumours spread by the Council that NASA were relocating here, funded by a multi-billion dollar grant from Disney, proved unfounded.
As an incentive the Council were keen to create a moon-like crater where astronauts could train so blowing up the city centre seemed a good idea at the time.
Flushed at the success of one hole in the ground, our leaders in City Hall went one step better and proved the theory that nobody throws money down the drain faster than a local authority.
You can always rely on a politician though to react to bad news with a rapid dash to bury their head in the sand. So who better than the crap town’s, crap “leader”, Cllr David Green, who said: “I think in many ways this result means I have less to worry about than Boris Johnson.” Duh!
Much as Boris is clearly off his rocker, I would rather have him in charge than the Labour stooge we suffer who went on to say “…and we shouldn’t get carried away; if there were above three or four people who responded with their thoughts on Bradford I’d be surprised.”
So that’s all right then!
Sadly, reflecting the desperation of the place, we also have to endure – for now at least – the risible George Galloway, MP, who clearly can spot a place so far down on its uppers that they would actually elect him to represent them. Its like a drunk hoping one last can of Stella will cure all. Respect indeed!
The city centre remains a laughing stock as neighbours Leeds announce plans to compliment the recently opened Trinity retail centre with a John Lewis anchored additional development. Bradford’s retail offering is “anchored” by pound shops.
Down in the abyss it is like a United Nations convention offering some indication as to why education standards across the city are so appalling.
Don’t blame school teachers when there are almost 150 languages spoken in primary schools in the district. Small wonder our schools are suffering and the city struggles to attract top-quality, highly-skilled jobs.
Over several decades Bradford has been the willing participant in numerous social experiments including mass multi-culturalism, shit sixties modernist architecture and pie in the sky regeneration schemes that merely lined the pockets of those that promoted them.
The end result is a broken city with a hopelessly inept leadership and most who can getting out while they can.
Of course, there is still much to be proud of in and around Bradford if you ignore the city centre…which most of us do. Bradfordians retain a great sense of humour and a proven generosity of spirit. We are surrounded by great countryside and many wonderful buildings the council are clearly unawares of…as they are still standing.
But you cannot ignore the grim reality that the place reflects these days. It will take far more than a new shopping centre to achieve this and that – as ever – looks many moons away.
It’s Going To Be A Cold, Cold Christmas
Just see what happens when a politician sounds off; the natural consequence of Ed the Duck’s threat to cap energy prices is that the annual price hikes have started early. As usual, everybody is blaming everybody else.
The rest will follow and you and I will have no choice but to cough up. One sensible and transparent suggestion has been to remove the Green Levy where we pay a fortune to splatter the countryside with windmills that produce less wind than the average grandparent.
Transferring the levy to general taxation is not a perfect solution but it would place more of the burden on those who can afford rather than those – the elderly – that may not be able to do so. Politicians though see this as electoral suicide so blaming energy companies is far easier.
My solution? Wear a balaclava and gloves at home. It saves you on unwanted visitors and is particularly effective in scaring the shit out of kids singing Christmas carols or Jehovah’s Witnesses telling you the end of the world is nigh again. Or smash every X-Box in the house and get the kids to try moving…just a thought.
There’s Always Somebody Worse Off Though
I’ve just returned from a week in Corfu; it’s always good to take the chance to wind down and relax (…bit rich that one? Ed); Greece as a whole remains a mess.
In the news last week were the multiple arrests of the leaders of a far right wing party, Golden Dawn, made by armed police, many of the police with their identities hidden for protection.
Six years of desperate austerity measures had seen the party gain serious momentum on a “Greece for Greeks” platform, despite most of it now being owned by the Chinese, Germans and Russians – a bit like our Premier League.
Maybe UKIP and good old Nigel Farage are not so bad after all? Geoffrey Bloom for PM?
Football Bollocks
As England take on the mighty footballing power of Montenegro tonight (population about the size of Bradford) those in the know have finally twigged the obvious; that the Premier League is full of foreigners…like Greece!
Expecting your national team to be competitive on the world stage when less than a third of the top flight players are eligible is delusional at best. Then again, with the money still rolling in who cares about the odd World Cup?
Maria says
We were all shocked!
I was googling Make Bradford British and that Bradford City of Dreams and came across your review of the former – nice to know that the indigenous population of Bradford take each Pakistani as they find them and don’t assume we are all the same.
Maria says
I agree with everything you said about Bradford – when you have 150 languages being spoken in schools then you know its time for a wake up call. If you live in England you should be speaking in English as your first language and the lack of emphasis on this coupled with political correctness gone mad has been a severe drain on resources. This city will never ever regain its former glory until the politicians stop pandering to the minority and keep them in check – they have been taking advantage and liberties since the whole thing began. I can’t agree with the David Green comments because I see him all the time near where I work and I quite like him! Though fully agree with council leadership in general – they need to buck up their ideas – it is embarassing how behind we are compared to Leeds.