Musings From The Padded Cell

Down The Aisle

“It’s a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.”
Franklin P. Jones

As a fan of Aldi, I particularly like their unique approach to checkout service. This is a game where the checkout operator will attempt to beat their previous best of throwing two hundred items a minute at you.

As you scramble to collect various items from the floor and beyond, tortoise and hare springs to mind.

Being a lover of Polar Bears – though not in my village – otherwise known as a Yorkshire tight arse, I have also been known to make carrier bags last longer than my boxer shorts.

Towards the end of their useful life – bags not shorts – walks back to the car are full of the risk of shedding the weekly shop and getting mass-mugged in the car park by the feral local youth.

Reluctantly I had to cough up 9p for a new “bag for life”. This is marketing bollocks as I don’t know anything that falls apart so quickly apart from my tomato plants at the first whiff of April.

I presented my shiny new addition to the young lad on checkout who ignored it, almost dismissively. Rather tentatively I enquired if it was free or would I be setting off the flashing lights as I made my escape sans hoodie unlike the local misunderstood cherubs.

“No Sir” he proudly declared “No need to scan as I’ve got the power here!” pointing to his extended digit as if he were Donald Trump hovering over The Red Button.

An escapee from the local old folks home sidled up to me as old people tend to do at supermarkets, either keen to steal some body warmth or desperate to pass on some wisdom.

She was keen to tell me that the bags would soon be going up in price. I have no issue this with unlike wailing twats in London because their £6 latte is going up 25p for a biodegradable cup.

For a moment the young man ceased his barrage to offer me a lesson in macro-economics; I thought better of reminding him of my rather fortuitous ‘B’ grade at A-level before he was born which would probably represent a A***+ now.

Protest was futile as I was already late for my Thursday siesta in preparation for a few early beers with Big Al in aid of the micro-economy called The Scruffy and a scruffy old man with a far too regular beer habit.

“It’s all down to China” he proclaimed “They’re not taking our rubbish anymore so we’re having to dump the shit elsewhere like Lithuania. That’s a Baltic State” he kindly added.

As if brainwashed by the BBC he then began to blame Brexit for carrier bag price hikes.

I was tempted to explain to him that, before he had hair on his top lip, carrier bags were free in my day, paid for by the enormous profits made by supermarkets. The lure of a beer and Big Al was feeling dangerously appealing.

The carrier bag “tax” was designed to create good in local communities as per the Government website.

…over the next 10 years the benefits of the scheme will include:
– an expected overall benefit of over £780 million to the UK economy
– up to £730 million raised for good causes
– £60 million savings in litter clean-up costs
– carbon savings of £13 million

Of course, as with all things that spout from the Government machine, these numbers could be fantasy but there has been a significant reduction in bag usage since it’s introduction.

I digress; back to the checkout and my lecture was almost at an end causing me to think that the young lad was probably a Masters Economics graduate paying back student debt three times the cost of my first home.

By now I really needed that beer, whatever the cost.


I am doing my bit by giving up Warburton’s Giant Crumpets given that they are not only wrapped in plastic but sit in a pointless inner tray. This act of great sacrifice may also prevent me ending up with a giant belly.

One Hundred Years Ago

Policing Idle & Eccleshill a century ago.

Although WW1 was in the final throes, the weekly toll of carnage continued. More stories from a bygone age here.

The Idiotic World of the Local Authority

A lollipop man’s ban from high-fiving school children in the road has prompted anger from parents.

So went this piece continuing as follows:

Stockport Council said it told him to stop the high-fives and “concentrate on ensuring highway safety”.

Read the article and it will tell you why many local authorities are run by halfwits who hide behind PR departments. These joyless, faceless morons are a modern day curse.

I miss my tree!

It’s almost one year since the inmates escaped to chop down the beautiful cherry blossom tree outside my house. {I thought you’d got over that? Ed}

Now, I am sure there are numerous decent people working within local authorities but there are also sad, deranged, tiny-minded people who should be locked up and fed dried grass in a secure unit.

Only this week hopeless Hapless Hinchcliffe was moaning again about Government cuts.

My experience of the number of departments, people, equipment and vehicles engaged from start to finish last year leaves me firmly of the belief that the only thing they should be cutting is the protected beast, the councillor.

Just a thought.

The Trumpit

We had our recent editorial meeting and the plan is for a June launch. Murdoch will be quaking in his boots but I can confirm The Trumpit will not be bidding for Premier League football rights.

Enjoy your weekend.

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  1. Ian McLean says:

    I’m amazed that you buy “bags for life”. The way you have treated your body I’m surprised you even buy green bananas.!

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