“You can revive economy, but not a corpse.”
Abhijit Naskar
Regular readers of The Trumpit will know of the mental health issues five middle-aged blokes are currently battling with, locked out, locked down and distant from our beloved care home.
There are rumours pubs are working on ways of re-opening based on thirty per-cent capacities. One solution is to limit spots to those that can drink three times as much as the normal person. Drinking in tandem with a known guzzler may be the only way.
I nominate Big Al as my preferred partner.
Until then, we “met” again last Sunday courtesy of Zoom, never sure which of us might not have survived another week of incarceration or buried the wife.
Big Al had shaved off his Father Christmas beard to reveal a new chin – his third – and biggest so far.
He crunched another defenceless can of Kronenbourg into his glass; if he fails to survive the authorities will need a skip to empty the house of debris and a crane to extract the corpse through the roof.
Five Pints had gambled on Mission Control’s recent You Tube hairdressing course but had ended up like a Franciscan Monk. They’d agreed on the rear of his head as a practice zone. All he needed now was a skull and crossbones tattoo.
Uncle Andy sat reflectively in his armchair, his only outlet to the outside world this two-hour window; could life get any worse? Big Al attempted to cheer him up.
“Have you seen that porno film set to the theme tune of Sale Of The Century?” he bellowed, another crushed can flung with abandon over his shoulder, pinging off the Eighties wallpaper. “I’ll hum it to you!”
I wondered how far down the list of channels a man had to scour to find such art.
Meanwhile Patch chomped his way through another family bag of salt & vinegar flavoured onion rings – “They were cheap!” – his chubby cheeks munching away like a mechanical hamster.
In the blink of an eye it was time to say goodbye once again and leave Big Al to the possibilities of the Sky remote and a late discovery of a young Nicholas Parsons.
Down The Drain?
Newspapers are fighting for their very survival and Bradford’s T&A is not alone. The fight for declining advertising revenues and readers is one only the best will survive. For Bradford to be without a newspaper would be unthinkable but the T&A has been heading sadly downhill longer than I can recall.
It insists on acting as an unquestioning mouthpiece for our clueless Council and its numerous offshoots; this time it is Bradford BID. Here is another example from this article on street cleaning which is being proclaimed as a revolutionary practice rather than a basic expectation of any modern city.
Street cleaning work to smarten the streets of Bradford…has delivered some impressive results…launched by the Bradford Business Improvement District…
Picture a North Korean newscaster (Hapless in disguise?) perched on the Town Hall steps and you get the picture?
So whats not to like? Well, the article points towards Darley Street, once a jewel in the crown, now a down and out awaiting a new £20m+ indoor market for thousands of new, well-heeled punters. This will be situated in the old M&S building; consequently, it will be a building site.
Which makes spending money tarting up a street with no footfall and about to become adjacent to a dust-bowl utter lunacy. It’s like doing up your house and hosting a rave.
A quick look at the members of Bradford BID and, amost inevitably, there was Comical Alex – renamed too – Head of Degeneration and Unused Cycle Lanes. We can be sure our money is well spent.
I wrote to Bradford BID for an explanation and a figure on the cost here but, as with many of these bodies, silence is golden. Supposedly there for you and I, replying to a simple email is beyond them. Is this arrogance, ignorance or ineptitude? I suspect a cocktail of all three.
Finally, if anybody can tell me what either of a Clean, Safe, Active and Promoted Pillar Lead does – see picture – I am all ears. Local Government Bollocks Speak at its finest.
Our Survey Says
Scientists have now found that moderate helpings of full-fat dairy products are actually good for you – Yorkshire Post 19/5. People have every right to be bewildered by conflicting health and diet advice.
The last few weeks will have been a time of discovery for many, in that simply getting off your backside is the best tonic.
ECB Intern Announces New Guidelines
The English Cricket Board (ECB) are scrambling to salvage what they can from this summer’s programme; naturally they are focusing on those events with the maximum financial reward. There are huge sums at stake.
Which must explain why they left the job of adopting a strategy for grassroots clubs to follow to the office intern, to be done after his paper-round.
Here are some examples of the updated “guidance” found here in full.
Practice is now permissible with members of your household or with one other person from outside your household while keeping two metres apart at all times. You must only exercise in groups of no more than two people unless…with members of your household.
Which is fine if you have a cricket team for a family. I thought about coaxing Our Kid off his sofa to resume our childhood battles.
“Fancy bowling at me for an hour fat lad?”
Further down there was more advice. No saliva or sweat should come into contact with the ball at any time.
Which might limit Our Kid’s comeback somewhat. How on Earth can you manage this? It is bonkers!
One of the delights of practice is the odd occasion getting one over on someone much younger, running down the wicket and screaming in their face “That’s out…done by an oldie!!!!” The guidelines imply this might not be advised.
The Interns Guide To The Blatantly Obvious contained many more examples.
We recommend using your own equipment if possible. If equipment is being shared, please follow UK Government’s guidance on the sharing of equipment. No more shoving whatever sweaty, pink plastic protector of your future you could find down your pants.
Of course, guides like this are written for single digit IQs and not with any relevance to reality. There are simply too many issues beyond the control of any amateur club to allow cricket this summer.
More Patronising Bastards
And finally, as if not content to wash unused pavements with our money, of which they will soon be bleating they have run out of, consider this.
Thousands of households across Bradford District are set to receive a booklet containing advice and guidance on alcohol consumption during the current coronavirus crisis.
The 16-page booklet, which will drop through the letter boxes of more than 8,000 homes in the coming days, provides information and advice about making healthier choices about alcohol.
Who do they think reads crap like this? Those who do need help will certainly not be putting down the 24-pack to read some expensively produced leaflet stating the bleedin’ obvious.
I nominate Big Al!
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