“We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.”
Dalai Lama
The Bradford Tourist Board welcomed back the C5 series Police Interceptors showcasing our wonderful city. In this week’s episode an experienced traffic cop described Bradford as “another planet” as a rocket propelled VW Passat flew past with its spaced out pilot at the wheel.
In another part of town the cops trailed another VW as it hurtled along presumably with some urgent pharmaceutical supplies being stockpiled ahead of Brexit, most probably for a sick uncle. On reaching his destination the young driver kindly handed back the car he had “borrowed” and legged it.
The local community, ever generous in spirit, came out to welcome the law with gifts of eggs. As the young WPC peered through her omelette of a windscreen she saw cheering crowds and lumps of moon rock raining down.
Welcome to Bradford.
Guantanamo Pilates
“Put your arms behind your backs, lift your thighs and thrust your nipples to the roof!” said the Iron Lady as she demonstrated another move from The Guantanamo Bay Guide To A Better Body last Monday morning morning at Pensioners’ Pilates.
Young Cath remembered the days when she used to do brutal circuit training classes without a care in the world whether her nipples would stand on end. She lay there wondering how life had passed by so quick and whether it was too late for some restoration.
Several old ladies laid on the floor wondering whether this really was worth the effort just to tone a few bingo wings; f*** short sleeves!
And Blind Tina was philosophical as ever – “What you can’t see can’t hurt you man!” – as the Iron Lady marched between groaning bodies writhing on the floor like eels in a basket.
Modern Banking
Last week my Mum hopped on the bus to risk the delights of Bradford because she needed a bank statement. Surely not you say in this techno world? However, in her eightieth year, like many of her generation, online still means fishing.
Having banked with the Mexican drug cartels bank of choice all her life she had no reason to expect this to be anything other than a simple request.
“Can’t do that” said Mr Can T Bearsed “Go over there and put your card in that machine!”
Although not ready for the nut house, my Mother wandered why he was pointing her to a slot machine. Gambling in a bank? Wasn’t that how they’d all got in bother a few years ago? She returned deflated and confused.
Eventually, we decided that if the dodgy money laundering scumbags wanted my Mum online, so be it. Having accomplished the task, I have never seen her look so disinterested in anything in my life.
One day we may all get old but technology will keep marching on enough to ensure new challenges. One hundred years on from the sacrifices millions made, our old people need treating with respect.
Piss Ups And Breweries?
The continuing tale of woe for my old school was emphasised by two recent stories.
A report which goes before Bradford Council’s Executive today has revealed than(sic) the financial problems at the school look set to worsen, and are forecast to go up to £4.1 million by the end of the 2018/19 school year.
The quality of writing and editing might need a wee bit of attention here; D- and stay behind for detention? However…
Numerous quotes from various sides along the lines of “it ain’t me!” are sprinkled throughout the article but no blame is associated with any party; how can that be? Surely there needs to be some honesty and transparency here for what is abject financial incompetence and more.
Ultimately someone will have to pick up the tab but pity the kids if the financial management is indicative of the overall school.
The school’s poor educational results – see here – confirm something has gone badly wrong with a once proud school.
The Scruffy Soup Kitchen
As the cold winter months arrive, The Scruffy is running a soup kitchen every Tuesday night. All you have to do is form a quiz team, sit patiently nursing a still orange for an hour and pray Our Jackie does not get to the free food first. Wearing the same clothes for weeks on end will help.
The menu changes weekly, including pizzas and curries, which has enabled Our Jackie to start to add her winter layering to ward off the icy winds.
“‘Ow else can a woman keep warm?” she protested between shovelling down several pitta breads and three bowls of curry the other evening. “I mean, look at the bloody men in ‘ere…’opeless!”
Footnote
You’ll be pleased to know HSBC did the right thing re my Mum and she will be pissed all weekend following delivery of a case of wine in apology.
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