“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”
Samuel Beckett.
There are easier places to start the week than under the gaze of The Iron Lady at Pensioners Pilates, especially when her mood suggested she had been attached to the gin drip again all weekend. Guantanamo Bay was looking like a luxury retreat.
The gym was freezing, the new staff still a little lacking in the needs of the octogenarians as several huddled together in a far corner, looking like a spent expeditionary force.
“‘Ee it’s like being back in the Blitz” said Edna “This were ‘ow me an’ Norman first started courting down in t’outside loo!”
The other two lessened their grips preferring the cold in an instant just in case Edna sought the long-gone Norman once more.
The Golden Girls – Cath and Trish – waltzed in with yet more new gym wear from the geriatric no leaks and no squeaks range, taking up their usual spots far too close for comfort. And then we were off into the usual warm-up, arms and legs everywhere.
The Iron Lady announced she was going to be “kind” to us, confirming my belief that she had been on the lash all weekend.
“Right, we’re going to sort those bingo wings out ladies” she announced, selectively ignoring the three token males in her audience and any gender balance issues. “Just watch what I do and remember, it’s all about the nipples!”
Placing her hands behind her back whilst sat on the mat, she thrust her body up skywards imploring us all to follow suit: “Get those nipples pointing to the ceiling!” Trish looked worried.
“I don’t think mine have been above me belly button for the last ten years!”
And so we had the sight of thirty women of varying ages all thrusting chests upwards as Nick, Peter and I made conscious efforts to stare at our feet and nothing else. There was much groaning and wheezing; several gave up the ghost and collapsed in a heap.
“I’m watching bloody telly next week!” said Cath praying for salvation or a boob job for Mother’s Day.
Tokenism
Bradford Council is fond of consultations and last year sought the public’s views on the state of driving on our roads. I realise we are lacking in the genius department down there but surely no need to even guess at the responses.
Still at least producers of cop shows love us with road madness guaranteed. Anyway…our survey said: Of those (1,260)…70 per cent said they felt unsafe on Bradford’s roads. So what have they done?
The new Public Space Protection Order will allow police and Bradford Council officers to issue penalties to motorists for a range of anti social, if not illegal, acts. These would include playing loud music or revving engines, shouting obscenities or harassing people from their cars, or taking part in “car cruising events.”
How they continue to be so delusional is beyond any imagination, failing to confront the real issues on Bradford’s roads. And in a poll conducted by the T&A (1,636) an even greater percentage – 80% – agreed these measures were futile.
The issues the public want addressing are the reckless idiots driving at speed in uninsured and untaxed cars not playing their music too loud. As one member of the public wrote: Just crush their cars and keep doing it till they get the message. Zero tolerance, no insurance – no car.
Finally, consider this? Councillor Alun Griffiths (Lib Dem, Idle and Thackley) said: “I will want comfort that this hasn’t been damaging civil liberties.”
Whose civil liberties are more important Councillor? The law-abiding majority or the mindless idiots causing carnage and endangering life?
A Jolly Good Time Was Had By All
With BBC’s Look North in Bradford for a whole week it was left to Comical Alex to hold the fort with Hapless otherwise engaged on a junket to Cannes.
If these “networking” events are really necessary – and productive – why Cannes? Why not Morecambe…or Southend? And why a planeload of freeloaders tossing it off?
Meanwhile Comical entertained our Harry on the sofa as local journalists put their feet up too, spoon fed a barrage of good news PR from Cannes to assuage the public that great deeds were really being done. Or were they just talking up mythical rail projects for the next century?
Back in Bradford, Look North seemed content to base themselves in the Broadway in order to get to know all that is Bradford. Many of the businesses featured were regulars in the T&A, perhaps further proof that the Council and the local paper are joined at the hip? And some of the other stories they ran did little to lift the external view of our city.
For a Bradford lad Harry, not a great job.
“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”
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