“Sadness made for a better houseguest; at least it was quiet, reliable, consistent.”
Douglas Stuart, Shuggie Bain.
If you read one book this year, I could not recommend Shuggie Bain more highly.
It is the kind of book that tugs at every part of your heart, forcing you to read on late at night, waking early to start again. Hoping against hope that some good comes along.
Mesmerising.
Tales From The Allotment
I recently joined a workers’ co-operative, sharing two allotments with local characters, Bombastic and Greenfingers. As the youthful element, it is my job to listen, learn and dig like a navvy.
Many who wander by must wonder how anything grows at all as we sit on three plastic chairs outside HQ – a shed made from pallets – discussing strategies and much more.
Across the way is The Swamp as Bombastic likes to call it, land worked by Gregarious the Greek. Coming from warmer climes, two days of dry weather generally sees Gregarious with the hose in hand.
“If ‘e’s not careful he’ll be finding ****ing alligators in there soon!” mused Bombastic.
A red kite flew regally above us, far up in the clear blue sky. Still in a mischievous mood, Bombastic shouted to fellow plot holder The Wizard. “Make sure you keep moving or it’ll think its getting a feed for t’rest o’ year!”
The old boy rocked in his plastic seat, eyes watering with laughter. The Wizard offered the usual two-fingered acknowledgment and went back to building what will either be the biggest raised bed in Yorkshire, an extension to the local burial ground or a jacuzzi.
A beautiful golden retriever popped his head over the wall, salivating at the prospect of the regular doggie treats; two kids cast secret sideways looks at us. Was this the world of work they would be entering soon?
It was time to go and we had not planted a bean…tomorrow would be fine. They are predicting a heatwave and Gregarious will be ready…so might the alligators.
The Computer Says
After my gripe about the banks’ interpretation of customer service, this week I give you EDF. Fortunate enough to be on a fixed-price energy contract expiring late summer, I received my half-yearly statement.
I knew I was some £250 in credit, the combined results of a mild winter, sitting in a balaclava and dressing like a mummy. Incredibly, EDF simultaneously reimbursed me the surplus and then upped my payment by £50 a month.
I tried to contact them but refuse to waste valuable remaining minutes of my life on some pointless chat line devised by a faceless cretin.
Instead, I write an old-fashioned letter, omit to put a stamp on it (why should I pay for their ineptitude?) and send it on its way.
Consider this; they have some five million retail customers. Let’s assume half are on fixed-price contracts and, as I pay around the average figure nationally (as estimated by the price cap), then upping 2.5m clients by £50 a month is £125m raked into their coffers monthly.
You can question the crude mathematics but even splitting this in half, savvy customers are being asked to bankroll their cashflow.
There are a lot of positives about modern technology but the faceless element can take us for fools.
Mother’s Day
About to throw out an apparently empty box of Mr Kiplings, the old lady stopped me in my tracks. I handed the box to her as she shook it vigorously; two wrapped slices fell out.
“I’ve always done that!” she declared “give it a good shake to see if it’s alive before throwing out. It worked with you!”
Living It Large
I got a lovely text from the first Aussie cricketer I ever put up almost twenty years ago. A summer in flip-flops and some unforgettable sledges ever came from Kyle.
Hey mate! Whenever I have bread with visible seeds in it I’m reminded of those few months I lived at yours! Just eating a sandwich now at the airport and thought I’d message.
We must have had a rocking time.
Under The Radar
Council tax bills landed recently with the headline rate of increase at 2.99%; look closer. This year it is actually 3.37% bloated by eye-watering increases in Fire (7.44% – 2021 7.64%) and Police (4.73% – 2021 1.99%).
I have no problem paying a few quid more for better services but show me where?
One More Step For Mankind
A scheme to reduce traffic outside Bradford schools may need to be re-evaluated after reports of parents threatening staff trying to enforce the no-car zones. So ran this Yorkshire Post story.
Small wonder many of these kids are as out of condition as their stupid, lazy parents.
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