“First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity.”
George Bernard Shaw
Taken from August’s edition of The Trumpit out now at numerous local outlets.
Romance was in the air a few Sundays ago at Quiz Night. Sat in the corner normally reserved for aged fossils, were two young lovers, oblivious to anybody else. They sat there gazing into each other’s eyes, ever more blurred as the night went on.
The five of us in Saddo Corner – Big Al, Five Pints, Patch, Uncle Andy and myself – sat wondering when the last time we’d ever had the unabashed freedom of youth. Did they know this was quiz night, the only excitement usually on offer being the chance of a half-fresh sausage roll?
Young Bet stood behind the bar trying to remember when she was so young, tucking her belly into her elasticated jeans. “Aww…in’t it lovely?” she cooed as she swung on the beer pumps dispensing the usual sedatives to the inhabitants. The young couple wrapped themselves together, lips caressing as Big Al licked the cheesy Quavers from his gnarled old fingers.
The Odd Couple, their normal spots so close to the action, simply did not know what to make of it, chancing sneaky glances instead of the usual fixation on their Nokias. Young Bet was reminiscing, bad news indeed for Giant Geordie, arriving belatedly with his extending snooker cue. “Get us a pint now canny lass!” was not the right greeting. How could he have known?
“When did we last do that?” she hissed, jabbing a finger towards the young lovers as she pulled away. Sensing he was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time he backed away hoping his love would be calm before the night’s end, simultaneously wondering whether he should solve the problem by simply ejecting the young lovers.
Mick the Quiz tried to restore order with his dulcet tones as old men were punched in ribs or cuffed around their heads, drawn as they were to the cooing and sighing going on in the corner. “Should bloody get a room” said one old boy too close to earshot of his wife. “It’s you who’ll be getting a room” she replied “The bloody spare one, you miserable old sod! When did you last kiss me like that?” He considered the wiry whiskers on her chin and thought better of answering.
In came The Fishermen; local dancing queen, Geoffrey, was sporting a natty collarless shirt under his red school uniform sweater. “What do you think chaps? It’s my new look…sort of Dandy?” he enquired as he took his place opposite fellow rodders, Arthur and Charlie. “You look a bloody pillock! Good evening Geoffrey, how are you?” replied Arthur in his usual upbeat tone, focused already on the night’s pursuit of a gallon of ale as quiz winners.
Charlie gripped his pint of Carling whilst sneaking a sly glance at the youngsters tightening their respective grips; the cold beer started to shake and foam, as did Charlie. Geoffrey turned his head to witness the goings on. “My God is she stuck to him? That’s a hell of a tongue she’s got!” he said as a wide smile broke out across his greying whiskers proving young love can soften the oldest of hearts.
By now even Big Al was getting aroused though fortunately Luckless Linda had made her escape back to Baildon a few hours earlier; there would be no rumble in his jungle tonight.
More beers were ordered, the two young loves were here for the night. “She’s grabbled his tally-waggle!” whispered Arthur, breaking his pencil in the process, as Charlie nearly dropped his pint. Geoffrey turned slowly before musing “My word she has indeed, I bet he doesn’t’ need a pill!”
And then he vanished off to the gents, coming back dancing a dance, smelling sweetly of Aldi’s finest handwash, having dabbed some on his neck and chest. “Best smell good for the missus” he said “I’m in the mood for some action” wiggling his hips to the alarm of the young lovers.
Realising – at last – they’d been rumbled they scarpered into the night air, still clinging to each other, happy to have escaped this strange little pub full of old people with pencils and no lead in them.
Laughter Corner
Hapless Hinchcliffe this week announced Bradford as a contender for UK City of Culture 2025. This was generally well received up and down the nation as we all need a good laugh given the times we live in.
“Culture…promotes us to the nation and the world as a vibrant, creative, confident place to visit, live and work in,” she said. “I’m also a great believer in culture and art as a means of personal transformation – it raises aspirations, enables us to explore skills and connects us with others.”
It is not known what she was smoking at the time.
A cheery marketing girl was on Look North talking up the bid, as she would with her agency about to get shed loads of cash. She suggested that, even if we don’t win, it will all make us feel better…well…certainly her!
It is not known what she was smoking at the time either.
The readers’ comments suggested a somewhat different take.
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