“The one thing that unites all human beings…we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
Dave Barry
These are tough times in local newspapers; journalism died long ago so now struggling papers rely on press releases and inane filler to keep alive.
Here’s a classic example – see here ; the article asks if we know the 13 unwritten rules of the roads? It will be news to some that there are rules, at least here in Bradford.
I’m tempted to believe the Editor chose this, taken from a survey by LeaseCar.uk, with tongue firmly in cheek.
The raised hand of thanks, getting in the correct lane and forming orderly queues at rush hour are among Britain’s most common unofficial traffic regulations.
Really? So what are the UK’s 13 unwritten road rules and how might they be interpreted in Bradford?
1. Say thank you when another driver gives way…with a raised hand. Or have two fingers ready after being cut-up as if you did not exist.
2. Get in the correct lane as soon as possible. Unless you know the chances of a police car apprehending you as you jump the queue in your uninsured and untaxed wreck are as remote as you actually insuring and taxing it.
3. Park in the middle of parking bays. Unless you are a fat b*stard on the way to McDonalds.
4. Be quick at petrol pumps. Particularly as you race off without paying.
5. Don’t queue jump in traffic. Unless you travel with your bruvvas and are on the way to baseball practice.
6. Squeeze up when street parking. The pavements are very useful.
7. Merge lanes one by one. Unless you’ve already jumped the queue which you most likely have because you are an brainless, ignorant halfwit.
8. Don’t block access when parking. Even if you know a Traffic Warden in your area will be as rare as a Dodo Bird.
9. Leave gaps in queuing traffic. And then floor because you got a Golf GTi.
10. Vacate the inside lane. Use all of them, as and when you like.
11. Don’t blare out excessively loud music. Because we already know you are a retard.
12. Speed up if it’s safe. And if it’s not who gives a ****?
13. When the lights say go, go. Unless you’ve gone already.
And so you have it, a modern day guide to driving on dem mean streets Bro!
Detached From All Reality
As much as I would rather drink horse urine than vote Labour – this Labour not the one of my parents’ generations – the Tories seem like they are showing signs of forgetting how they screwed up two years ago.
Remember Mother Theresa, stuck on the same old message – “strong and stable” – refusing to engage, arrogant in the belief she would walk it, scared of her own shadow?
Signs appeared both locally and nationally this week that they sense a lead so are keeping heads down; it is pathetic.
BBC Look North held a debate at a local secondary school in Calderdale this week. The Tory candidate refused to appear. You want to be re-elected MP and yet are afraid of a regional news reporter and a bunch of spotty kids? What gravitas!
The same day the Home Secretary Priti Patel appeared in Yorkshire and vanished just as quickly. Are they so terrified of the media or does it define something a bit more?
After decades of political correctness, politicians simply cannot think for themselves; they are dishonest, duplicitous, cowardly and unprincipled.
This sums up Boris, who will most likely win because the other bloke is even worse and nobody in their right mind would vote for the silly woman in the anorak.
One Step Nearer
We’ve grown up together, fought many a battle on the cricket field, tried the odd cycling trip and operated probably the worst ever share club the Stock Exchange has known. So now for our next trick!
The Jolly Boys Walking Club took its first tentative steps this week with a gentle 4.5 mile stroll around Posh Bradford, namely Burley Moor. Although the walk was short, the views, including staggering properties, were eye-catching; of course, it hosed it down.
With a certain irony we started and finished at Scalebor Park, which, according to Wikipedia, opened as the West Riding Private Asylum in 1902…initially established as a private asylum for fee-paying patients…it joined the NHS as Scalebor Park Hospital in 1948…the hospital went into a period of decline and closed in 1995.
Presumably they set free all the nutters – recent experience suggests several are playing for Burley CC – though there were not many choosing to spend the morning on the rain swept moors.
A beautiful part of the Bradford district so easily forgotten and best kept a secret from Hapless and Comical.
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