“There is nothing morally wrong with buying stolen goods, unless you know that they were stolen.”
Mokokoma Mokhonoana, The Use and Misuse of Children
Local scumbags broke into three of our cricket club outbuildings the other night. The fact that their “haul” was an ancient strimmer requiring a PHd in Engineering to actually start it will not have been their best day.
But the damage they leave behind is incredible. Fortunately, our Big Society – not the mythical one David Cameron bleated on about – really does exist. By tomorrow it will be fixed as they doubtless wonder what to do with a knackered strimmer.
Oh for a quiet educational moment with them…
Them ‘n Us – 1
Watching BBC News the other night there was a clip of a great new initiative; people met in a pub and sat down to talk. Apparently this increased their feelings of happiness and well-being.
Professor State D Obvious had studied this group and concluded there was merit in extending this experiment subject to him getting a £1m Government research grant.
The BBC reporter clearly thought it a good wheeze too, especially as he’d yet again avoided the dark lands beyond the M25 in search of “news”.
More Tales From Down Below
Confusion continues at The Scruffy as to the identity of the secret hairless Veet user – see last week’s tale of the tail. It was with immense relief that he confessed to me his wife does not read this twaddle.
Landlord Michael tried to bribe me with a free bag of crisps but I was not to be broken so easily especially as they were 2017. Our Jackie puffed so hard on her e-cig it looked as if it might melt. Secrets and lies indeed.
Geoffrey the Fisherman typically got straight to the point last Sunday. “Which one of you lads looks like a Buxted then?” We ignored him as he went off to beg for a seat, late as ever, as the cult following of Guru Mick the Quiz continues to grow.
Big Al was in morose mood as he’d been to the doctor, a visit never likely to offer much of a joyous outcome, this one full of revelatory information.
“He’s told me I’ve got to cut down” he said, almost tearfully as he caressed his pint “I’ve got to get down to seven pints…a ****ing week!”
Explaining Nanny State’s alcohol guidelines, it was too much for Leapy, who’d managed to shin down the drainpipe leaving Mrs Lee watching Dancing On Ice back in Bingley.
“Did you tell him getting down to seven a night would be a stretch?” he said with a broad smile as Big Al aimed a beermat with enough velocity to slice a man’s head off.
To further enhance our night, the big man started asking just how long we all thought we might go on till The Calling; I gazed across at Donny Osmond & The Odd Couple and wished they had a spare stool.
There was only one man in immediate danger of euthanasia and, only if his wife ever took her eyes off Love Island to read a little blog.
Them ‘n Us – 2
HS2, the planned high speed rail line from London to the North, is reaching the farcical. Remember the original cost was put at £56bn with trains getting North by 2032; now we are told it will be almost double the cost and the North may not even see a high speed train till 2040.
If they have got it so badly wrong in such a short space of time, what chance, once construction starts, of more adjustments?
Crucially too are too key points often missed. Firstly, one of the key benefits was stated as saving the time between business meetings but how valid is this argument now? And, at the rate of technological advancements, where will we be by the end of this decade alone?
Secondly, if it is all about ramping up capacity, how do you solve the inevitable bottlenecks in Birmingham if sod all has been done to improve lines beyond here?
London will be fine and that is the crux; this is all about London. Meanwhile, obvious and relatively cheap schemes that really would impact the North are stupidly ignored. Time will tell very shortly if Boris is taking the North for a high speed ride.
Take The Car Instead?
This story is a regular down at the Cut & Paste Dept of the local rag featuring several times a year. Amounting to little more than stating the obvious, it is also a neat ad for Confused.com.
Amanda Stretton, Motoring Editor at Confused.com, said: “Shopping around is key to saving on car insurance.” Really love? Why thank you for that Earth shattering advice.
Meanwhile, with almost comic timing, there were at least two more stories of carnage on our roads. Honestly, it might be safer driving around Baghdad than Bradford.
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